Your Wedding Day is Only as Stressful as You Make it

Friends, today I want to share with you something that has been lurking in the back of my mind for the past couple weeks, something I had a little bit of fear around how it would be received. Finally, I decided I had to  share this because, as many of you know, I am in the middle of wedding planning right now! Andy and I are getting married this September, and wedding planning has truly been so easy and so fun. Before anybody says, “Well, okay, you're in the wedding industry, of course you've got this advantage that not everybody else has!”, I will admit that I have a lot of insight on what goes on in the wedding industry, and who to work with in the area. That doesn't mean that if you're not in the wedding industry, you can't also have a great wedding experience that's fun, stress-free, and easy. For us, everything has fallen into place, and I realize that that's not the experience that everybody has. 

But I truly do believe that everybody can have that experience. With that in mind, I have a couple of tips for you:

When you first get engaged, really embrace those first couple months–it's so joyous and exciting to be able to use the word “fiance” and start thinking about what your dream wedding looks like. But then, a lot of times couples often start getting overwhelmed and realize how many choices and decisions there are to make and that can seem like a lot, especially for people getting married for the first time. This  invites a lot of opinions from people who have been married and I am guilty of this as well. Anytime somebody gets engaged, I say, “Let me share all the knowledge that I have with you!” and that doesn't always serve each couple. 

But the biggest and best thing that's going to keep you on track and make your wedding planning less stressful, is truly having a vision of what you want your wedding day to look like. What do you want your wedding journey to look like? Do you want it to be a really big affair with four hundred guests and a party that lasts all night? Do you want florals everywhere with stunning, elegant touches? Or do you want it to be something intimate? Do you want to go to your favorite mountaintop out west and share your handwritten vows with just you and your significant other--maybe with nobody else around? 

Think about what you want your experience to look like and really trust your gut. That's the first step: trust in your gut, listen to what is most important to the two of you, and what really matters to both of you. Many times, couples have outside factors: maybe mom and dad are paying for the wedding or contributing a large chunk to the wedding, so then a couple may feel pressured to embrace what mom and dad want rather than what they themselves want. That is truly a disservice to the couple and it's a disservice if mom and dad are pressuring them, because--I’m just gonna say it!--because a wedding day is truly a celebration of the two people that have found each other! They love one another and they are making this commitment to spend the rest of their lives together; that's it and that should be the main focus for everyone (yes everyone!): for parents, for friends, for family, for vendors, for guests celebrating those two people in the way that they want to be celebrated. That is the way that friends and family can show the most respect, love, and celebration for these two people. 

Really trust your gut to tell you what is important on your wedding day. If you want to have roasted chicken family-style because that reminds you of Sunday dinners with your family that you love being around, then plan a family-style roasted chicken--even if cousin Susie is telling you, “No, you need to do a plated catering event from this five-star chef,” don't do it if it doesn't feel good for the two of you. Andy and I love grilling out and spending time in the kitchen together, a lot of our relationship is food based. For our wedding, we're doing a buffet with a caterer that we know is going to knock our socks off! We're having grilled beef tenderloin, grilled chicken thighs that are barbecued, and some grits to represent a little bit of Andy's nine months spent in North Carolina before moving to Wisconsin. But that's just how we're choosing to do the meal, and we’re making that a priority--in fact it's a bigger slice of our wedding budget because that's what feels good to us.

Our entire wedding journey is centered around who Andy and I are: having a destination engagement session and being intentional about where we’re getting married because those things are truly representative of who we are as a couple. It helps that we are personally funding a lot of our wedding, so we don't necessarily have any outside pressure; but even if somebody else is funding your wedding, the best way that they can love and celebrate you is to truly hear what you want from your wedding experience, and that can sometimes be an uncomfortable conversation. Most of the time people have our best interests at heart and sometimes it just takes having a conversation between you and mom explaining that your personal floral style includes a smaller floral centerpiece with calla lilies and ranunculus and other beautiful touches, instead of a three-foot tall centerpiece of roses. Approach the conversation with so much love in your heart, “Mom, thank you so much, that sounds really beautiful, and I appreciate and am grateful for your investment in us, but this is the vision that I have, and this  is what really matters to me on our wedding day, and here's why.” With this approach, you can take that stress out of either being worried about what somebody else thinks about your wedding planning, or the even greater stress of knowing you really wanted this and are not getting it. 

Unfortunately, that's where I hear so much heartbreak and disappointment in the wedding planning process: when a couple has a vision, they know what they want from their wedding journey, what's important to them, but they don’t follow through. Whether it's the custom cocktails, a certain vendor or photographer to work with, a decor item, or the location the couple knows inside of them that yes, this is going to resonate with us, this is what we are about, what our relationship is about, and is going to best celebrate us, that’s when everything falls into place. I’ve heard couples a number of times say they wish they had this on their wedding day, but so-and-so told us that we had to do this instead; or this was my vision for the day, but we weren't paying for our wedding so we felt like we didn't have a choice. However, you always have a choice and a voice even if you are not the one funding the wedding! These people love you, support you, and truly want what's best for you. Sometimes it just takes a couple of conversations letting any involved parties know this is what we want from our wedding, this is what's really important to us, and this is what's going to light us up and celebrate us the most; and you truly appreciate their support in this vision. 

Make your wedding and the planning that goes into it, be what's important to the two of you. So this is the “trusting your gut” portion and sharing that vision and idea with those around you! Next I would say, trust your partner, because they're in this with you, they also want to have a fantastic wedding experience. I think a lot of times there is a focus on either the bride or the primary partner, whether that's somebody who's a little bit more outgoing, that focus can be on them--but it truly is about two people who have come together. It's just mind-blowing to me how these love stories happen and you find somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with out of seven billion other people! That alone deserves to be celebrated: that you found this person and they want to put up with you for the rest of their life. Thank you Andrew James Lindsay for loving and appreciating me, and just let me be who I am, because it doesn't always work out that way. So, trust your partner in that they want to be on this wedding journey with you, and recognize that they also have a vision for what's important to them on their wedding day. Having open communication, hearing what matters to them, and asking why or what about that is important, is a great way to be conscientious and meaningful to the both of you during wedding planning. 

When Andy and I discussed what things are most important to him besides the location, he explained he really wanted a party bus. Even though we're having our ceremony and reception at the same location, I'm super excited to incorporate this party bus because it’s going to be a fun time, and it’s important to Andy. He was also very adamant that he wanted round tables rather than long communal tables. Stylistically, I love the long communal table idea, especially with the venue we have, it would just lend to the space perfectly. However, when I asked Andy why it was important to him, he said that a round table offers more conversations than just with the person across or next to our guests. He was really thinking about the experience our friends and family were going to have interacting at dinner, which I am proud of--wow you really pay attention to what I talk about after coming home from photographing a wedding! Another aspect he absolutely wanted for our wedding, is late-night pizza because the man is a garbage disposal and hungry at all times of the day! I'm totally thrilled with that, because pizza is fantastic! He also wanted small desserts like little mini cupcakes, so we're getting an assortment. 

At this point in our wedding planning, I continually check in with Andy, even knowing that he's in a space of letting me tell him where to go and what to wear, I'm still checking in with him along the way because this is a wedding about the two of us. It's not just the Kate-show (as much as I think that some days), it's really about celebrating the two of us. Checking in and saying, “I picture this, is this cool with you?” keeps the wedding planning about the two of us and makes it stress-free. I can't even remember if we've argued about anything. Our journey has not been stressful, and I trust Andy to tell me what pairs well with his vision of our wedding day. There's been a lot of compromise--if Andy had his way, we would be getting married at the courthouse, simply and intimately. I know this, because he doesn't enjoy having a ton of attention on him or giving speeches, that's just who he is. Andy doesn't always feel worthy of the attention or celebration, so trusting that Andy is holding his vision of what's important for him and supporting some of my ideas too, is incredibly meaningful. The dialogue we have makes all of these decisions intentional and easy. This is truly one of the best days of our lives, and trusting our gut, knowing what our vision is, and just enrolling everybody around you to support that vision (even if you're not the one funding the wedding) makes for a stress-free wedding. 

Trusting your vendors and choosing vendors that are going to light you up and align with your vision is just as important. When you're creating this vision, as silly as it may seem during those first few weeks of being engaged and you’re flooded with all these amazing emotions, write it down in a journal or make notes on the back of an envelope, so you can focus on what your priorities are. For Andy and I, having a cool location with a cool photo backdrop, incorporating our dogs in the ceremony, having good food, and having my amazing associates shooting my wedding are some of our top priorities. From there, we looked at what vendors would knock that out of the park and developed our budget and what we could invest with what others in our family would contribute. We looked at how we can make that happen and with whom (and again, I know I have the great fortune of working in this industry). I've seen a lot of not only the products that the vendors put out, services they provide, but also the behind the scenes, the communication, and how people treat their clients during the wedding process. I’ve asked my clients how they liked working with so-and-so, what their experience was like, and how the planning process was like; so I had the advantage of knowing this ahead of time. 

I intentionally set up a preferred vendor list for my clients, full of people I know will treat them well and do a great job because those are my two must-haves when it comes to a vendor: be great to your client and be great at what you do. Whatever the price of those services are, as long as the vendors treat you well, are good at what they do, and are going to deliver on what they say; that's all you should be looking for. Choose a wedding professional who will truly align and bring your vision home. As a photographer, I want you to have the best experience possible, and your wedding winning gets to be easy and stress-free. Part of that comes from choosing vendors that you can truly trust and get answers for the questions that you. If you constantly have to check in with your vendors and they don’t answer all your questions, that can lead to a ton of unrest, uneasiness, and distrust--which does not make for a relaxed, happy, and calm wedding experience. Put the time into researching the vendors before you choose to work with them. Have a conversation with them face to face through video or meeting in person, because there is so much that you can learn about a person from their inflection, facial expressions, and how they react. As long as you resonate with them, and they really get who you are and what your vision is, and can knock their services out of the park for you, that’s honestly the most important thing. 

Again, trust your gut and really know what your vision is for your wedding day and for your journey. Remind the people around you of your vision because they truly love you. You deserve to be celebrated for finding somebody that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with! This journey gets to be fun and wonderful. Trusting your partner to communicate with you and starting those conversations will make decision making fast and simple. Trust your vendors and work with people you know are going to bring that vision to life, who you don’t have to check in with to make sure they still exist and are not running away with your money. Those experts are here to take the worry off your plate so that your wedding is stress-free. 

I know that this isn't always the popular opinion that your wedding planning is only as stressful as you make it, but I truly believe that if we're taking the time to hear other opinions and trust that you want the burgundy linens, you can move forward faster and easier. I know this might have some people's brains turning, so if you have any questions feel free to write a comment or send me a message. I would love to go back and forth with you and see how you can make your wedding planning process as stress-free as possible--especially when it comes to photography. I am here for you and I know you can have the best wedding day of your life and of your dreams, and I can't wait to see how you bring that to life. 

Much love and appreciation,

Kate

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